I don’t sleep much anymore. I never have. But presently, I find myself in a paralysis of sorts. I can’t move forward, but I am moving forward. I am graduating this semester.
It’s terrifying. I don’t want to, but I am. Similarly, I don’t want to lay in bed all night, waiting for the sunrise, but I am.
Some part of me would rather think so loudly that I can’t sleep. I can tell because I’ve always been like this.
Insomnia can be so intense. It’s strange that up until I’m alone in a softdark bed with only my thoughts, I can be so tired; I can be completely exhausted with waking life. Put me alone in a bed and I have everything to stay awake for. I’m obsessed only with my thoughts, fervid with my imagination, to the point of reanimation.
Very rarely, I can just pass out when I hit the sheets. This takes a lot of exhaustion or sedatives. Alcohol isn’t really one of the effective ones, if we’re going to be honest. Alcohol isn’t effective for anything other than getting drunk, which is a handicap a lot of the time if we’ll be honest. I’m cutting back on that.
After a night of only four rested hours, and in the middle of a full twelve hour day, culminating in delirious tango dancing, I created for myself the following mantra:
Don’t be centrist; don’t be ‘fair’; don’t be ‘balanced’.
INSOMNIA is purgatory. Balance is entropy. Don’t get caught in-between, and don’t seek it out either.
Surpass ‘fairness’ — Assert will.
Pass the fuck out already, or don’t!
Get up!/Get it over with!
The real goodness is self, is will. Give reality your bullshit to deal with. Give back.
Give more. Take more. Mean what you take, don’t fake it as courtesy. Be as awake as possible or
Go the fuck to sleep.
As you may have previously noted, taking dictation from my delirious self is an experience I have posted about here before. I have to deal with dreams as reality now, as I’m getting closer to a new era of my life. But here I am, still in between.
The new morning hasn’t happened yet. I wake up still a student. One morning, I will wake up and not be. I will wait. I will sleep when I need to and dream. I will wake up and take what I need to make my dreams reality.