Breaking Through…

Sometimes I feel like the Marquis de Sade, not for my libertinism, but because there’s a revolution going on out there and instead I’m just wasting away on my own floating island. Freedom of information is under assault, and I am a radical of the highest order and should probably be out there offering my defiance. I can’t bring myself to it, though, for belief that I’m just as easily ignored by the revolt as I am by anyone. I can’t spout off rhetoric popular enough to catch on. Yes, I advocate socialism. Yes, I understand you can’t institute that yet. I don’t believe in intellectual property rights and I’m trying to make it as an artist, and certainly that’s possible to do, even if you don’t understand why.

We can’t do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles. In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves.
— Banksy, Wall and Piece

I feel like it’s awfully pretty to change the world, and I’m doing what I think I’m best at to do this. I’m living a life on a fringe I painted myself, pulling in influences of my own selection into the view of others who wouldn’t normally see what I see, and try to make the world as friendly a place as possible. I’m exploring a new path and trying to make it seem as unscary to others as possible to discourage ignorance and promote acceptance, if not willfulness. I don’t feel like I’ve got a big enough crowd though, yet, and everyone I’ve pulled in would have put the page together themselves.

I’m in a position, I think, where I’ve finally found a venue that’s disperse enough that I might gain some exposure as a writer. I think I might finally have a venue for getting a little attention and admiration for my thoughts from people who don’t know me personally.

I’ve been blogging for a very long time now, and recently learned that someone from my peripheral past is still reading my blog, salacious and offensive content and all, and enjoys it. That’s probably the greatest compliment I’ve received from anyone. I’m certain I’ve got a style and a personality to keep someone’s attention, even if it’s not here — it’s certainly not here.
I’ve done some thinking about that, and 2012 is the year where I finally have begun to gain criticism and make people angry. All my life, no one’s had anything negative to say about me. No one I know ever has exchanges of negativity over me or what I do, and I admit I’ve worked very hard to stay self-contained. I have decided, independently of various personal conflicts I’ve had, that 2012 is going to be a year primarily focused upon acceptance — both of myself, and of other kinds of experience I’ve avoided.
To tie this back into my writing career and potential venues and myself as character — I’ve found the more that I take the leap and start expressing parts of myself that I was always afraid people would look down upon, I find instead that the world is very gently affirming, very tolerant of much more than I originally believed. As such, up to this year I feel appreciated that I’ve revealed enough about myself to enough people and received such good treatment, but in a sense I haven’t taken a lot of risks and received all the validation or potential for criticism and improvement I deserve. I have held myself back.
I think this year will be the one that I break past my own inhibitions to receiving critique and finally gain the approval I’ve been missing out on.
-Angela VS

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